How to Steal From Your Elderly Neighbor

(Flash Fiction Satire)

Don’t reach for her purse. That’s the first thing she’ll look at, while she may be as blind as a bat, she’s got a good sense of hearing. Go look for her safe instead, you know she’s got one in the upstairs office, and all of that inheritance money is stashed in there. Her house creaks a lot, those floorboards are old, so walk carefully. But you need to wait until she falls asleep, her obnoxious snoring will drown out your walking. Before you search for the safe, stash a rag and some chloroform underneath the back porch, she never goes back there. Come back the next day, early afternoon. She’ll have scarfed down the bucket of fried chicken, and she’ll fall asleep to the TV in a matter of minutes. Don’t forget about the dog. Put him outside, he’s annoying enough as it is so best to move him before he barks. Lock the door once he’s outside, he’ll try to bust through the door, the hinges are rusting off, so it won’t take much. Dose the rag with some chloroform and put it on her nose, you don’t want her to wake up and whack you with her cane if she hears you, so make sure you put enough on to knock her out for a few hours.

Take a deep breath, don’t worry. It’s not like she needed it, with no husband or kids that money is just going to stay locked up in that safe. Junior is going to college in a few months, this will help you float by until you can get a better job. He’ll need something to get him through his first year, and it won’t do much good if it stays here. Now, quietly climb the stairs before entering the first room on the left. She keeps the key in the first drawer, but don’t yank on it too hard, it gets stuck and you want to leave everything the same as it was. The safe is behind the picture on the wall, put the key in the lock and open it. Only grab $20,000, don’t take any more. Before you leave, grab the rag and chloroform, and put that dog back inside.

Call her the next day. She’ll already be looking for it, so tell her you saw the rambunctious kid next door snooping around. Better him than you.